apricotalice

Strive and Thrive

2012-01-24T10:17:00.001-08:00

* Pointing to myself *

Stop coasting through life.

Fruit

2012-01-19T10:48:00.000-08:00

Becoming a "better Christian" is an ends, not a means.

Waiting on God

2012-01-16T21:23:00.000-08:00

21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22 For the one who was a slave when called to faith in the Lord is the Lord’s freed person; similarly, the one who was free when called is Christ’s slave. 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings.

1 Corinthians 7

If you can gain your freedom, do so. Waiting on God is not a passive activity.

Revival

2012-01-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

True revival doesn't come from preaching revival. True revival comes from preaching Gospel.

Lover

2012-01-10T18:41:00.000-08:00

Who you are isn't so much what you do, but what you love.

This hit me one day when a friend wanted to know if we had a mutual friend in the Bay Area. Without even mentioning his name, he said, "He's an enthusiastic sports fan".

"Yes! I know him," I said. And I did! Then I realized how weird it was that I knew exactly who my friend was referring to just by hearing what it was that this person loved most. Initially, I found it amusing, but pretty soon it started bothering me. A lot.

Does this person take pride in the fact that he is known for being a lover of sports? I knew that I wouldn't be.

I know someone who loves the Steelers. I know someone who loves Switchfoot. I know someone who loves Snoopy. I know someone who loves Harry Potter, someone who loves makeup, someone who loves K-pop, someone who loves computer science jokes, someone who loves veganism, someone who loves spending as little money as possible. And I even know someone who loves poop. Ha! Some of you reading this can probably immediately guess who these people are, too. Is that funny? Or is it sad? Scary?

What do I love? What do others think I love? Do people see me as a lover of books? A lover of philosophy? Do people describe me as "the girl who obsesses over new, obscure music artists"? Or "the girl who does homeless ministry every weekend"? Or "the girl who is always engaged in theological debates"? What is it that I talk about, gush about, all the time? What is it that I enthusiastically share and discuss with others?

What is it that my mind runs to when I wake up in the morning, that it dwells on in the stillness of the night as I drift off to sleep?

I don't want my thoughts and my speech and my actions wrapped up in these things. More importantly, I don't want my identity wrapped up in these things. I am ashamed, mortified, terrified, at the very possibility.

Career != Calling

2012-01-09T21:24:00.005-08:00

God spoke through me today. He does that sometimes; I can tell when it happens because I know that, under normal human circumstances, I am not smart enough to come up with the stuff he says through me on my own, and with such immediacy and boldness at that.

"What is our purpose?" a friend had asked me. I pointed her to Galatians 5: You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Christ set us free from slavery, free from sin, so that we can serve one another instead, so that we can bear fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

"Then how does that relate to careers?"

"I don't know," I admitted. That was me speaking. But then I felt a fire light up from within. "What I do know is that your identity is not in your career. Your career isn't eternal. It's temporary. It's a small detail in God's plan. Yes, your job may be important, but it's not you. You are first, a Christian. Second, everything else. Paul was an apostle. He was also a tentmaker. He made tents for a living. But no one immediately thinks 'tentmaker' when they think of Paul!"

At that, my friend laughed. "Wasn't Jesus a carpenter?"

"And Peter was a fisherman, and Matthew was a tax collector. But who cares! That's not nearly as important as the fact that they were disciples of Jesus. As Christians we have so many higher callings in life! We are ambassadors, representing the heavenly kingdom on earth. We are soldiers, fighting against the works of the enemy. We are Jesus's bride, preparing ourselves to love and to be loved. We are salt and light, flavoring the world and enlightening it with truth."

It occurred to me then that I had actually never thought of that before; at least, not quite that way. I mean, sure, I knew that Christians were compared to ambassadors, and soldiers, and a bride, and salt, and light, and runners, and newborns, and so many other roles and things throughout Scripture. But while my friend was asking me to piece it all together for her, the Holy Spirit was busy piecing it together for me...

I can't imagine Paul spending much time wondering whether or not he was supposed to be making tents!

I've wasted way too much time worrying over what my "true calling" (read: "non-eternal, non-essential career") ought to be. Know what? It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of God's plans. What matters, ultimately, is that my actions and choices and behaviors and attitudes be rooted in love for God.

2011

2011-12-31T09:22:00.003-08:00

was such a wack year.

I stumbled across a fat, red notebook with smooth, gridded sheets. I had journaled in this notebook every now and then for about half a year, but then left it generously blank in my bedroom in Florida - stuffed in the back of a closet, behind piles of sweaters and coats and a poofy down comforter that had pulled me through winters in Pittsburgh - before hastily leaving for a job and a boyfriend in California.

Reading through this notebook was, well, interesting. It's filled with personal prayers tightly interwoven with verses and quotes and notes from the Book of Jeremiah, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and John Piper sermons. That was my life last year -- searching, searching, searching. For a job, for direction in dating, for answers to so many questions.

On the last page in this notebook containing handwriting, I had scribbled in huge letters: "ALTHOUGH OUR SINS TESTIFY AGAINST US, O LORD, DO SOMETHING FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR NAME. I NEED A MIRACLE".

I can't remember what exactly prompted me to write this. Maybe I had read that line in Jeremiah at the culmination of so many worries and it stirred up a storm in my desperate heart. But a year and some change later, I can testify that God has indeed answered this prayer. Over and over again.

2012, bring it.

Keep Seeking

2011-11-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Your need to know may be greater than you think.

Suffering

2011-11-11T11:50:00.005-08:00

I'll be frank: It seems to me that a lot of my Christian friends - particularly the ones from my college fellowship - have a distorted view on what it means to suffer as a Christian.

I hear things such as, "Christians should be selling their possessions and spending as little money as possible and eating cheap food and going to remote locations overseas as missionaries... because Christians are called to suffer."

To be fair, there exists some amount of truth in this mindset. As Christians, we should be stewarding our money responsibly. And we should be missions-minded on a global scale. And yes, sometimes, these tasks can certainly be challenging. But a partial truth is still a lie. And so Christians need to ask themselves, does this rationale actually reflect a biblically accurate understanding of Christian suffering? I don't think that it does.

After Jesus spoke to a very rich man who wanted to know how to achieve eternal life (but ended up walking away sad because he could not part with his possessions), he told his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” And a lot of Christians point to this comment as evidence for the "suffering" required to be a true Christian. But this "hard" thing of leaving money behind in order to enter the kingdom of God is not an example Christian suffering; it is an example of lack of love for Jesus. Of course it would be difficult - in fact, impossible - to follow Jesus if you don't love him.

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”

Mark 10:29-31

Jesus said this right after he talked about how difficult it was for rich people to leave their wealth for God, except through God. He promises that those who do leave everything behind for him will be rewarded an increase in homes, in family, in blessing - not just in the after life, but in this present age, meaning today! now! - but he also tells us to expect something else: persecution.

What Christians need to understand is that, when the Bible talks about suffering as a disciple of Jesus, it is talking about suffering as a result of persecution. Christians need to be careful not to confuse suffering from persecution with suffering from doing what is good because you'd rather do what isn't. Because the latter isn't Christian suffering. It's just sin.

Stand on Your Feet

2011-11-03T20:19:00.002-07:00

I've been reading Ezekiel. I used to find reading the Prophets rather intimidating, expecting their words to be depressing, confusing, terrifying. But as I started reading Ezekiel the past couple of days, I was surprised to find it incredibly beautiful. I still don't understand it all, but the descriptions of God's glory and promises are poetically breathtaking.

From chapter two: And he said to me, "Son of man, stand on your feet, and I will speak with you." And as he spoke to me, the Spirit entered into me and set me on my feet, and I heard him speaking to me.

When I first read that, I thought to myself, "Wait, isn't that redundant? Circular?" But when I read it again, more carefully, I was amazed. God issued a command: Stand on your feet. And a promise for obedience: and I will speak with you. But God was already speaking with Ezekiel! Moreover, God was the one who set him on his feet; Ezekiel didn't have to do anything! There is something so powerful and authoritative - yet sweet and tender - about the way God commissions those that he chooses to use. Wow. Beautiful.

To My Non-Christian Friends

2011-11-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry if, in sharing with you my faith, I have ever offended you. I do not believe that people come to Jesus by having religious talk shoved in their faces. I believe that people come to Jesus because his truth is beautiful and captivating, because it gives freedom and hope. But sometimes I may give the wrong impression because, in my sense of urgency, my words may be forceful. I apologize for the misunderstanding, but please bear with me and try to understand where I am coming from.

The other day, a friend told me that he didn't think that I was a true Christian. And - I'll be honest - I got very angry with him. But I was not offended that he made this judgement of me. I was offended that, after three years of friendship, he only told me what he believed to be true about me now. In those three whole years of silence, he was essentially condemning me to hell. So much for being my friend.

I want to let you know that I care about your soul. I want to see you all in Heaven. When I share with you what I believe to be true, I am trying to be a good friend.

Staying up until 5AM Searching Scripture for My Assurance of Salvation

2011-10-31T13:39:00.006-07:00

There is a difference between being saved and stumbled by sin, and being lost and enslaved to sin.

Being Jesus's disciple is extremely costly, but it is not supposed to be hard, if you truly, genuinely love Christ. The reason why some people believe following Christ to be complicated and difficult is because they do not love Christ to the point where they're captivated. They are still trapped in religion and rules. In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says "my yoke is easy, and my burden is light", and Matthew 13:44 talks about a man who "in his joy" sells all he has to buy a field hidden with treasure.

To be completely honest, I am speaking for myself, as well. I can't say that I'm at the point in my Christian walk where I can easily give up everything, all the time. God for sure still needs to work in me. There are still worldly things that I have trouble letting go, and especially since I've moved out to California, I've been tempted and stumbled by materialism (it's very prevalent in my workplace and I definitely feel the pressure, to a degree that I've never felt before in Florida or Pittsburgh). But you know what? Paul called the Corinthian church "carnal", "people of the flesh", "infants of Christ", not spiritual people, but he still referred to them as "brothers" and a "church of God" and "sanctified in Christ Jesus" and "saints". I may be an immature baby Christian, but nevertheless I still belong to Christ. I do not live under fear, but in peace with God and in hope that he is working in me now and will perfect me at the last day. I continue to move forward.

Now, I am not saying that Christians are excused to sin or that we can continue living our lives unchanged. It is also true that many times people are given false assurance of salvation when they are not actually saved, people who only believe in facts about Jesus's death and resurrection (even the demons believe that) but are not forsaking their lives to be with Christ themselves. Christians should be forsaking everything that is obstructing their relationship with God, but that doesn't look the same for everybody. There is no formula for what specifically to forsake and when. The Bible only has examples of what forsaking everything looks like. Jesus told the rich ruler to sell all of his possessions, because all of his possessions was getting in the way between the rich ruler and Jesus. Then right afterwards, another rich man, Zacchaeus, only gives away half of his possessions, and yet that was enough for Jesus to declare salvation upon him. Is Jesus inconsistent? No! It's not about what you forsake or how much you forsake, it's simply about forsaking what is blocking you from God. Here is a personal example: I deleted my Facebook profile because it was messing up my relationship with God. But does that mean that all Christians who use Facebook also need to delete their profiles? No! That would be the kind of thing that a Pharisee would say. When Jesus said "if your eye is causing you to sin, gauge it out and throw it away", he is not saying that the eye is inherently a sinful object. There is nothing wrong with having an eye! What matters is whether or not that eye is coming between you and God, and if it is, then yes, you better cut it out of your life. And the way you go about confronting a fellow believer who is not forsaking everything is by instructing them on what is right and leading them to correct behavior. You don't just write them off as an unbeliever and walk away -- that's not edifying, it's condemning! Jesus did not come to this world to condemn people, so we shouldn't either.

Salvation is a supernatural work of God -- it is all God's doing. We aren't saved by how hard we worked or how much we sacrificed or how much we've forsaken, because none of us can ever work enough or give up enough to deserve salvation. Who are men to judge what a person must forsake to be saved? Romans 4:5 says "to the one who does not work but believes in him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness". It doesn't matter how many things and activities you have forsaken. At the end of the day, you're still ungodly by God's standards, because you're not sinless. But the good news is that salvation isn't determined by how much superficial stuff you're able to give up. It's determined by whether or not you put your faith in God, whether or not you trust him to count you as righteous despite the condemnation that you deserve, whether or not you believe that God's ultimate plan is for you to be the bride of Christ, whether or not you see the light of the Gospel of the glory of Christ (2 Corinthians 4:6). And if you really believe that, your heart will change and you will want to give up everything.

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them." This is not terrifying. It is just incredibly obvious. But if God has moved powerfully in your life before, you don't need to fear the status of your salvation when you mess up and love something in the world. Working out your salvation with fear and trembling isn't about fearing hell, but fearing (awe and respect) for God's grandness and holiness and discipline. You just pray that God will restore unto you the joy of salvation. And God will delight in answering that prayer.

Going back to the basics. Feels good.

Caution

2011-10-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

"... the discovery of a new spiritual reality almost always makes us overestimate its role in the Christian life."

- John Piper

Mercy

2011-10-14T13:05:00.002-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, my pastor told me, "I think you may have the gift of mercy."

And I nearly laughed in his face! Which is kind of an ironic reaction, I guess. But I managed to restrain myself.

In all seriousness, though, I honestly don't think that what my pastor said to me that night was true. Yes, God has been revealing to me just how important mercy ministry is to Him (it's so abundantly clear throughout the Bible!). But my response has nothing to do with "spiritual giftedness" -- and everything to do with wanting to be obedient, and wanting to have God's heart. I'm no Mother Theresa, I'm not a super Christian. I'm just an ordinary person who can no longer argue with the Truth.

Last night I had the opportunity to watch "58", a documentary about the Church ending extreme poverty. Did you know that if American Christians - at least, those who attend church every Sunday and claim that their faith is "very important" to them - were to give just one percent of their wealth, there would be enough money to end extreme poverty throughout the world within one generation? Now, don't get me wrong -- the problem of poverty is certainly complex and requires more than simply throwing money in its direction; it requires time, and compassion, and lots of guts and heart. But still, don't the numbers bewilder you? Frustrate you? Don't they give you hope? God gave us everything we need to end suffering and oppression! This is not a cliché. This is very, very real. This is truth.

What are we going to do about it?

You Know it's Bad when it Haunts Your Dreams

2011-10-13T10:49:00.005-07:00

"How's work going?"

Oh, the usual. How about you? How's that miserable thing in your life that you never want to talk about?

I never respond in that way, but sometimes I'm tempted.

Praying vs. Nagging

2011-10-11T22:42:00.002-07:00

"I think instead of simply praying for him, I would have just nagged him all the time, you know?"

There have been times in my life when I hear something and immediately recognize it to be full of truth, and it leaves me dumbfounded yet enlightened, humbled yet inspired. This was one of those times. Additionally, personally, hearing it really helped to bridge together Genesis 3:16 and Ephesians 5:22 for me.

Don't nag. Just pray. The simple (though not easy) solution to high divorce rates and broken relationships.

Job's Daughters

2011-10-10T22:52:00.003-07:00

The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters. The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

Job 42:12-15

I find this snippet of Scripture to be extremely encouraging, empowering, inspiring, curious, cool.

Let Them Eat Cake

2011-10-06T13:32:00.003-07:00

Just now, I ate a slice of cake. It was a tiramisu cake, and it was delicious.

But for some reason, as I ate it, I couldn't stop thinking about the homeless man I saw this past weekend eating out of a trashcan.

And suddenly the cake tasted disgusting.

Meh. Why am I so blessed?

Brave

2011-09-30T17:33:00.005-07:00

What does it mean to be brave?

Since moving out to California, I've been told several times by various people that I've met - welcoming church members, friends of friends, my eye doctor making casual conversation - that I'm brave for moving out here, on my own, where I have no family.

Me? Brave? I'm not so sure that I agree. What if I told you that my mother left her family and her career, to the other side of the world where she doesn't even speak the language, to marry a man with no money? Was she brave? Or just in love?

What if I told you that I moved to California for a relationship that is now dissolved, for a boy who is no longer on speaking terms with me? Was I brave? Or just foolish?

Is bravery relative to the actions of others? To the outcome of your own actions?

Rational people do not have regrets.

But neither do the lucky ones.

I Party with Jesus

2011-09-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

Francis Schaeffer said, Christians may be at times, "cobelligerents" with the Left or the Right, but never allies. "If there is social injustice, say there is social injustice. If we need order, say we need order... But do no align yourself as though you are in either of these camps: You are an ally of neither. The church of the Lord Jesus Christ is different from either -- totally different."

The ideology of the Left believes big government and social reform will solve social ills, while the Right believes big business and economic growth will do it. The Left expects a citizen to be held legally accountable for the use of his wealth, but totally autonomous in other areas, such as sexual morality. The Right expects a citizen to be held legally accountable in areas of personal morality, but totally autonomous in the use of wealth. The North American "idol" - radical individualism - lies beneath both ideologies. A Christian sees either "solution" as fundamentally humanistic and simplistic.

The causes of our worsening social problems are far more complex than either the secularists of the Right or Left understand. We wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with powers and principalities! We have seen there is great social injustice - racial prejudice, greed, avarice - by those with the greatest wealth in the country (and sadly, within the evangelical church itself). At the same time, there is a general breakdown of order -- of the family and the morals of the nation. There is more premarital sex (and thus there are more unwed mothers), more divorce, child neglect and abuse, more crime. Neither a simple redistribution of wealth nor simple economic growth and prosperity can mend broken families; nor can they turn low-skilled mothers into engineers or technicians.

Only the ministry of the church of Jesus Christ, and the millions of "mini-churches" (Christian homes) throughout the country can attack the roots of social problems. Only the church can minister to the whole person. Only the gospel understands that sin has ruined us both individually and socially. We cannot be viewed as individualistically (as the capitalists do) or collectivistically (as the Communists do) but as related to God. Only Christians, armed with the Word and Spirit, planning and working to spread the kingdom and righteousness of Christ, can transform a nation as well as a neighborhood as well as a broken heart.

- Timothy J. Keller, "Ministries of Mercy"

Why I'm Single

2011-09-12T10:02:00.003-07:00

I'm not normally one to publicly bemoan my singleness, but I had stumbled across this article while leisurely browsing HuffPo one day and realized that the first of the author's "top six reasons why you're not married" was particularly spot on:

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

You're angry. It's scaring men off. Work around a man's fear and insecurity. Shoot. It's all coming together.

Sisters

2011-09-02T09:25:00.002-07:00

The other day, a male friend addressed me as a "bro".

I don't even remember what had prefaced this christening. I was having dinner with a bunch of dudes when one of them - offhandedly, I'd imagine - called me that.

"Uh, I'm not a bro," I had said. But the utterance was swallowed up in table conversation.

I've known for some time now that most of my friends - particularly in San Jose, where I currently live - are male, but it was only then that it hit me: As Katy Perry would say, I've become one of the boys. My mom had always worried about this; at various times throughout my life she'd warn me not to hang out with boys so often because she didn't want me to be treated as one. I would wonder, is it really possible to be de-sexualized merely by constant association with the opposite gender? And even if it were, what's so bad about that?

In fact, when I was younger, I wanted to be a boy. I grew up on a block lined with homes that housed boys my age, but no girls. When the boy a few doors down invited my brothers into his treehouse but left me - quite literally - out, that feeling I had -- it was a quiet jealousy, barely conscious.

And now? The situation has flipped, but I feel the same.

Tomorrow I hop on a plane flying to New York City, where I will stay for a few days before heading to Philadelphia. Let's just say that I'm ecstatic for some much-needed quality girl time.

Bible Translations

2011-08-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

Dear fellow Christians,

Please stop arguing over Bible translations. I can appreciate differing preferences; I understand that the KJV, NIV, NASB, ESV, etc. etc. etc. all have their pros and cons. But the fact that we are able to argue about which translation is "better" is such a stupidly mind-boggling luxury. Realize that much of the world is thankful to have just one translation of the Bible, and many others don't have it translated in their language at all. Recognize that regardless of translation, the Word of God is precious.

Sometimes Christians argue about dumb stuff.

Speak Now

2011-08-13T15:14:00.003-07:00

A lady whom I've met just yesterday mentioned being a bridesmaid for her friend's upcoming wedding.

"Sounds exciting!" I enthusiastically replied.

"But, the thing is, none of us like the groom," she said.

She went on about how her friend's fiancé had "no integrity" and lived a questionable lifestyle, and how all of the bridesmaids were deeply disappointed that their friend would "settle" for someone like him.

I was, well, pretty horrified. I couldn't believe that someone would not only let her friend make a potentially detrimental mistake - and one that is meant to have life-long ramifications, at that - but betray her friend by celebrating this mistake as a bridesmaid. I mean, I would hope that my friends - especially the friends close enough to be chosen as my bridesmaids - would love me enough to tell me the hard truth. I would hope that my friends would care about me enough to protect me from doing what they believed to be wrong wrong wrong.

Don't be a fake friend out of politeness.

You Are My Sunshine

2011-07-31T22:59:00.003-07:00

My father is a man with a lot of wisdom and knowledge that comes from years of hard work, diligent study, world travels, and challenging experiences. For as long as I can remember, he has never hesitated to counsel me on virtually every topic -- from dealing with business to dealing with boys, on work and school and money and health and love and sex. Sometimes his advice was valuable, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes questionable, and sometimes outright garbage. My father is well-intentioned, but he isn't perfect.

But the best advice he has ever given me was just yesterday. I was explaining - over Skype, through tears - how I've been so frustrated lately with my boss and my co-workers. My father told me this:

Every morning, pray to God that you can be the sunshine in your office.

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Random Questions at Four in the Morning

2011-07-26T01:28:00.001-07:00

Why am I awake?

Who are all these people who keep adding me on Google+? Why are they interested in connecting with me? With someone they have never met, over the Internet?

Why did she delete my Facebook post on her wall? Was she offended? Embarrassed? What is the line between humorous and hurtful? Does that line change between different people, at different moments of life? Did I cross it? Why am I so baffled and dismayed that a few words sent in love, an attempt at reconnection, could be quietly rejected with the click of a mouse?

Why am I the only person who remembered his birthday? Which is creepier: the fact that I noticed that his birthday was neglected, or the fact that I am capable of viewing a catalog, nice and neat, of one-liners written to him by simply typing his name in a search bar?

Does the Internet make us all creepy people?

A Prayer for Casey Anthony

2011-07-05T22:03:00.006-07:00

Dear God,

I don't know who Casey Anthony is. I know her name, and I know what she looks like. I know that she's had a string of exes and that her father attempted suicide. I have even read a part of her diary. But I do not know her.

But God, You know her. You know Casey Anthony better than any of us. You know the number of hairs on her head. You knew her before she was even born. In fact, You created her. And You know the truths behind the lies she's told to the police and to her own family, You know exactly what is going on inside of her head and her heart, and You know whether or not she had actually murdered her two-year-old daughter, Caylee.

Today the entire country is riled and offended. I am torn, as well. While I appreciate that the court system operates on a presumption of innocence, I am just as baffled by the verdict in light of the astounding evidence as much as everyone else. And I believe that the angry reactions that are exploding all over the Internet are justifiable -- even right. Yes, I believe that it is right and good that people get so angry when justice isn't properly served.

But, I think that it is a mistake for these people to have placed so much of their trust in governments and juries rather than finding comfort in the fact that, one day, we all will stand trial before You and be held accountable for our sins, and that Your sovereignty trumps any broken human institution, any day. And I also think that anyone, no matter how awful or broken or messed up they may be, can be redeemed when given the chance. I guess I am pretty disheartened that people are channeling their anger through sardonic Facebook statuses and tweets. It seems that this serves only to recycle hatred and cynicism and bitterness and violence rather than promote justice and truth and hope and mercy and grace and love. And so I feel convicted now to act against the current trend and to pray for Casey Anthony, instead. I think that she and her family are in desperate need for prayer. But, admittedly, I'm not sure how to pray for her.

I wonder what You think about all of this. I wonder if You are angry, too. I wonder if You are grieved. I wonder if You are weeping. I wonder what You would be weeping over, exactly. I wonder how You will move. I wonder what You will do next.

I don't want to pray a vague, empty prayer, God. I want to pray a bold prayer. A prayer that will actually make a difference. So, God, I pray that Casey Anthony will be saved. I pray that someone will come along and speak to her Your truth and love. I pray that she will respond with rejoicing, and that her entire family will join her in baptism and communion and fellowship. I pray for forgiveness and healing in Casey Anthony and in all of her relationships -- that her parents can forgive her, that the public can forgive her, and that she can forgive herself. I pray that she will bear good fruit. I pray that I will see her in Heaven. I have no idea how this can happen, God, but I pray that it will. I pray that out of this miserable mess, You will be glorified. I dare You, God, to answer my prayer. And I dare everyone else to let go of their resentment and to pray this prayer with me -- not just for Casey Anthony, but for your friends and family, for your enemies, for yourself.

In Jesus's Name, Amen.

Relationships

2011-07-04T20:59:00.002-07:00

This may sound cheesy, but having experienced a dating relationship has definitely expanded my understanding of what a relationship with God ought to look like.

Reading Bible commentaries and Christian literature is not a substitute for spending quality time with God. That's like saying that reading a book about dating counts as spending quality time with your significant other.

Do you have a real relationship with God, or do you simply read about how to have a relationship with God?

The Greatest of These

2011-06-25T19:13:00.001-07:00

I forget the source, but I once read about how someone would read through 1 Corinthians 13 - that famous passage on love - and replace the word "love" with his own name instead. He meant it to be some sort of self-evaluative exercise to better understand whether he truly demonstrated love or not, and whenever he ran across a statement that proved false, he would make it his aim to work on that particular trait.

The other day I read 1 Corinthians 13 and was reminded of this exercise. I tried it out for myself:

Alice is patient. Is that true? Not really.

Alice is kind. Is that true? Depends.

Alice does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. Alice is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs… Okay, this is honestly not going very well at all.

Alice never fails? Um. Actually. I fail at all of the above, every single day.

Alice is clearly not love. Alice needs a lot of work.

I started to wonder if the person who originally thought up this exercise had a low self-esteem or was burnt-out from trying to improve on his shortcomings, because how could he possibly possess any of these traits when it was so apparent that I had absolutely none of them? I mean, don't get me wrong -- I try to be loving. I try to be patient, and kind, and not proud, and not easily angered. I try not to fail. But, if I'm honest with myself, I'm not any of these things. Not perfectly, at least, and not all the time. I always fail.

All of a sudden, it hit me -- this exercise is flawed. Because I can't be any of these things. It's just not possible. I'm broken and messed up and inherently unholy and entirely human. I can't in any way be an accurate representation of love, especially when love, as described in this passage, has such high, perfect, pure, absolute standards.

But… Christ in me is patient. Christ in me is kind. Christ in me does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. Christ in me is not easily angered, Christ in me keeps no record of wrongs. Christ in me does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Christ in me always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Christ in me never fails. Christ is love - perfect love - and Christ is with me, leading me, living in me. And I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. YES.

I need to pray more.

Conviction

2011-06-16T16:14:00.003-07:00

If you give me a chance to love you, could I come back and love you?

I gave you everything I had, but I couldn't give enough.

Then you threw stones at me and said that they were thrown in love.

Turns out that I don't really love you at all,

'cause love would find forgiveness.

- Paper Route, "Second Chances"

Memorial Day Weekend

2011-05-27T14:23:00.001-07:00

Lots of people in the office today complaining about how they don't know what they'll do with themselves during their day off this coming Monday. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am personally welcoming the extra-long weekend with open arms, a bear hug, and maybe some sloppy wet kisses. Free time has never, ever, EVER been a complaint of mine. I LOVE MY HOLIDAYS. AHHH.

And I'm slightly crazy. This weekend is much needed.

Happiness vs. Joy

2011-05-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get a little bugged by Christians who say things like "Joy is more important than happiness because happiness is only about temperamental, fleeting emotions".

First of all, I don't understand how they've come up with their definitions of "joy" and "happiness". The word "happiness" - in philosophy, religion, politics, economics, and psychology - has long been used to describe the state of well-being or human flourishing that comes from living a good life -- the highest human good. On the other hand, "joy" is normally defined as the feeling of elation or pleasure. In common English, however, the two are oftentimes practically interchangeable, which is pretty understandable if you're not discussing Aristotle, the Declaration of Independence, or the GNH index. But it wasn't until I listened to Christians talk about "happiness" or "joy" that I've heard the terms defined so differently from, well, how everyone else seemed to define them.

Secondly, I don't understand from where Christians are getting the idea that emotions or feelings of joy (er, happiness, if you insist) are not important, even if they're not very stable. In fact, the Bible doesn't underplay the importance of emotions or feelings whatsoever. Here's a super tiny sampling of what I mean:

Psalm 5:11 - But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 71:23 - My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you -- I, whom you have redeemed.

Luke 6:23 - Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.

The word "joy" is often coupled with such words as "laughter", "shouting", "dancing", "singing", "clapping", and "leaping". Clearly, Christian joy is anything but passive or monotone. It's active and musical. It's light-hearted and worry-free. It carries with it an outward expression that is unquestionably evident to others.

So what gives?

Now, I'm not saying that emotions or feelings are all that matters. But if there's a lack of laughter, shouting, dancing, singing, clapping, and leaping in your life, then perhaps you don't have the joy - real joy - that you think you do.

And just in case you're wondering if that matters, here's a commandment straight from the Word:

1 Thessalonians 5:16 - Be joyful always.

And another one, in case that weren't clear enough:

Philippians 4:4 - Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

I mean, seriously, the guy even repeats himself there, so you know it's pretty darn important.

24

2011-05-13T12:00:00.002-07:00

Okay, so I noticed some minutes ago when I posted my last entry that my blog seemed to have made a glitch. I saw that one of my recent posts was missing from the home page and listed as a "draft", even though I could've sworn that I published it. Was I going crazy? Then I had an idea -- I'd subscribe to myself on Google Reader to see if that post was in fact published. It was. Whew. I'm not crazy, after all.

So after the completion of said sanity-check, I unsubscribed. And that's when I noticed -- I have twenty-four subscribers.

Twenty-four! Who are these people?

Come one, now. 'Fess up.

Just kidding. Maybe I don't really want to know who you creepsters are.

I really need to watch what I write...

How to Win Over Kids

2011-05-13T11:47:00.002-07:00

The next time you attend a party where there will be plenty of small children, bring a large bowl, Hawaiian fruit punch, ginger ale, pineapple juice, and a carton of rainbow sherbet ice cream. Mix all of the ingredients in the bowl - be generous with the sherbet to make it as sickly sugary as possible - and serve. The kids will love you and treat you like a hero.

Speaking from personal experience.

All That Glitters

2011-05-12T13:37:00.003-07:00

Ever since I moved out here to the Bay Area, it seems that I've been continuously bombarded by claims of miracles, signs, and wonders. I've never before encountered people who were so enamored by the supernatural.

There was a time in my life when I deeply pondered why it was that I see a lack of miracles. I concluded that it was because, in this scientific age, in this culture of self-reliance, we have removed all obstacles that would ever necessitate them. Who needs a miracle when you can pop a pill, make more money? I look back at my past, my upbringing, and I see more clearly than ever before just how much the people in my circle of friends - in my hometown and in my college campus and in my Christian fellowship - prided themselves in their reason and their composure and their ability and willingness to give everything a ready, rational explanation.

When I first heard about them as a skeptical middle schooler brooding on the fringe of a Chinese Baptist youth group, stories of "holy laughter" seemed so abstract. For some reason, I subconsciously assumed laughter revivals to be isolated incidents, far away, in places where people must be crazy and hyper-suggestible and especially prone to collective hysteria -- isolated incidents that would surely die out once people realized how foolish it all was.

Dead. Wrong. "Holy laughter" seems to be haunting me everywhere now. And people that I hear of, that I run into, that I casually meet, are not only falling-out-of-their-pews laughing and making animal sounds and spastically twitching on the floors, but are also "slain in the spirit", "tokin' the ghost", going on prophetic "treasure hunts", shaking "gold dust" from their hair. It didn't seem to matter which church fellowship, Christian conference, Bible Study, homeless ministry I checked out -- there was always someone there who testified to witnessing or doing at least one of these "supernatural manifestations of the Holy Spirit". It's so in-my-face, so deeply integrated in my world, that I've become both overwhelmed and obsessed -- I spend most of my free time now watching YouTube videos, reading commentaries, frantically searching Scripture, trying to make some sense out of it. Is there any sense in it?

There surely exists at least some liars and fakers, but are all of these people faking it? I'm not so sure. Are these miracles, signs, and wonders actually from God? I'm not so sure about that, either.

I don't know why I'm so consumed. I guess I'm just terrified - saddened, angered, baffled, but mostly terrified - of the possibility of Christians falling in love with sensationalism over truth.

There was a time in my life when I yearned to see incredible miracles that could without-a-doubt come only from God. Now, I'm praying that I won't be jaded.

It is Light that Makes Everything Visible

2011-05-10T10:35:00.005-07:00

"What do you think about this?"

I glanced over to see his Bible opened to the Book of 1 Corinthians. An Epistle written by Paul the Apostle. He had his finger pointed somewhere on the page.

"You can't do that," I said.

"Do what?"

You can't just pick out a random verse to talk about. Just read it in context. It's Paul. He writes in structured arguments. He appeals to reason. He asks a bunch of rhetorical questions and then draws a straight-forward conclusion. It's not that hard to understand when you read it IN CONTEXT!

That's what I wanted to say aloud, at least. But, with a mental sigh that may or may not have been physically expressed, I decided to go along with his topic of choice. I read the words his finger underlined: Are you not to judge those inside?

"But Christians shouldn't be judging people," he said.

"That's not true." He looked appalled. "Look, there's two kinds of judgement. There's condemnation, and there's discernment. Christians shouldn't be condemning people. That's God's job. We don't really know the hearts of other people, so we can't really say who's going to Heaven or who's going to Hell. But Christians should be discerning. We should be testing everything to determine if it is really God's truth or not."

"I can't believe you're saying that," he responded, slightly riled. "Christians are supposed to love each other and be in harmony, not argue over differences."

There's nothing inherently wrong with arguing. Really. It's only wrong to argue if your intent is to win. But if you argue to shed light, to reveal truth, to encourage your brothers and sisters to examine their hearts --

I gestured at 1 Corinthians. "What do you think Paul is doing here?" Again, the stunned look. "It depends on the difference. But there are wolves in sheep's clothing, even within the Church. Satan can masquerade as an angel of light. And that's where judgement comes in. Christians have to use their judgement. Not just sometimes. Always."

He appeared defeated, yet in denial, slumped against the pew.

If Christians shy away from discussion, from discernment, for the sake of superficial harmony, then they are at risk of forsaking truth for a fuzzy, feel-good, anything-goes distortion of the Gospel.

And, at that moment, I wanted to shake him. I wanted to shake the Church. Wake up, o sleeper! Rise from the dead!

Humility

2011-05-07T21:13:00.002-07:00

Humility - real humility - goes hand-in-hand with confidence. A proud person is an insecure person, a person who is overly concerned about his own self-image. And a humble person is one who is confident in their identity: they don't think less of themselves; they just think of themselves less.

Teeth

2011-05-05T12:54:00.002-07:00

I had another one of those teeth-falling-out dreams last night. I've had some pretty morbid dreams in my life - about my family getting slaughtered, about me shooting people in the face - but these teeth-falling-out dreams probably terrify me the most.

I must be a very vain person or something.

Baby Steps are Overrated

2011-05-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

Baby steps. It's a nice idea, in theory, but it simply doesn't work in a lot of cases. Sometimes, you just need to take the plunge. Jump all the way in. Otherwise, not only would you have trouble keeping up, but you may never make it to your destination.

Jesus didn't say, "Overcoming temptation is a gradual process. You'll have to distance yourself from the source of temptation a bit at a time." He said, "If your eye is causing you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away."

Jesus didn't say, "I understand that you need to ease into following me. You'll have to get your act together, settle your personal affairs, and start small before you can pick up the cross." He said, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."

I'm not saying that every change you make has to be drastic. But if the small, step-by-step, day-by-day changes you've been attempting to make hasn't been working out very well for you, then maybe, just maybe, you should try a totally different approach. Ditch the baby steps. Go big or go home.

Star Wands and Rainbow Domes

2011-05-02T15:34:00.003-07:00

Three people I had never before met approached me and asked if they could prophesy over me. Intrigued, though skeptical, I smiled and said, "Sure." The first turned away and started pacing as if deep in thought; the second looked off in the distance, dazed, giggling nervously now and then; the third stared straight into my eyes.

After a brief moment, they all seemed to come back to their senses. That's when the fun began. Well, actually, it was somewhat uncomfortable for me. I still don't know what to think about the whole thing, but for some reason I feel compelled to write down what was said to me. So here is everything they said, as best as I can remember, with no explanation, evaluation, or interpretation on my part:

When you were a child, did you ever have a wand with a star at the end? I see you as a little girl dressed up as a fairy, running around with this wand and waving it at things as though you really believed that you had magic powers and can transform things. I think you may have the gift of healing.
I feel that you are a very deep person. You have a lot of ideas that are simple but full of depth. When I look into your eyes, I see a well, which is a simple circle from the top view, but it's very deep. You are so, so deep. And at end of your eyes is a lot of shining light, and a lot of people want to see and reach this light and they can't, but you've got it.
Do you have a family member who is sick? Is it cancer? Because I see this dark cloud that looks kind of like a cell, and there's all this overwhelming darkness, and then I see you as a child holding up your wand and all this light bursts forth and penetrates the dark cloud. I think you should pray for your family member.
I feel that you are really strong in intercessory prayer, too. You like praying for people and praying over people. Your friends like to talk to you about their problems and receive prayer from you.
I feel that you have a child-like wonder about your faith. You ask yourself a lot of questions. And you like to challenge other people with questions. You've been wondering about your identity a lot, and what your faith is supposed to look like. You've been on this long journey where you asked a lot of questions about who you are and what you're supposed to do. And you've been discouraged and confused, but things are better now because you've resolved some things and you've reached a new level of understanding. God wants to remind you that He loves you.
I feel that not only are you child-like, but others act child-like when they're around you, too.
I see you as a kid playing with one of those rainbow tarps. You know, one of those play tarps where everyone holds onto the edge and runs under it and then they're sitting underneath this rainbow dome. And I see you being full of wonder and awe and joy inside this rainbow dome. I think it means that God is protecting you, and you're in a safe place to be child-like and explore and discover new things.

And this is where it gets freaky:

I actually did use to have a wand with a star on it. I was once a fairy for Halloween.
I also do have a family member who is sick. My grandmother is diagnosed with cancer.
That one point about questioning my identity and being discouraged and finally resolving things hit really close to home.

On the other hand:

Some of the things they said seemed vague.
Some were confusing.
Some may not even be true.

I also found it interesting that they often prefaced their "words of knowledge" with "I feel that" or "I think that". I asked them about it -- are they not confident in their prophecies? They told me it absolves them of responsibility. "I do believe that God uses me to speak to others, but everyone also needs a good flushing system," one of them explained.

Hm.

Dinner with a Sinner

2011-04-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, a girl at my church and I were making small talk after service. "Are you doing anything interesting today?" she casually asked.

"Yeah. My coworker invited me to her house for Easter dinner," I replied.

"Oh, is your coworker a Christian, too?"

I briefly hesitated. "No," I said, cautiously. "Actually, she's Wiccan."

"A what?"

"Wicca. It's a Pagan religion. They practice witchcraft."

I can't even begin to accurately convey the look that I got after such a comment. She seemed stunned, stupefied, concerned, and critical, all at the same time. I may as well have told her that I had tested positive for HIV.

"Don't worry," I said with a smirk when she asked whether or not I thought it was a good idea. "It's just dinner. It's not like I'm going to her house to cast spells or something." I was tempted to add, "Didn't Jesus dine with the prostitutes and tax-collectors?", but I decided to keep that retort to myself.

I'm truly boggled by my fellow Christians sometimes. I know plenty of Christians who have no problem attending drunken parties and partaking in stupid shit but are utterly shocked at the idea of befriending a Pagan, a homosexual, or anyone with a remotely controversial identity.

A few months ago, I checked out a young adult fellowship group. One of the boys seemed agonized by a situation that he faced nearly every weekend: his roommates enjoyed getting wasted and would always invite him to drink with them. "I never know what to do," he explained. "I don't think it's okay to get drunk. But I want to spend time with my roommates. I don't know if I should go out with them or not."

The virtually unanimous response? So long as you aren't tempted to get drunk and don't struggle with alcohol yourself, then it's okay to tag along. "It could be a good way to minister to your roommates," said the youth pastor.

I disagreed, and I said so. I don't think it's a matter of temptation whatsoever. I don't have a problem with hanging out with non-Christians, and I also don't have a problem with social drinking. But if you know that your friends have the full intent of doing something that you believe is blatantly sinful, then you shouldn't accompany them, even if you wouldn't be tempted to do it yourself. It hurts your testimony and sends a mixed message. By virtue of association, you would essentially be validating their actions as acceptable; plus, you could cause other Christians to stumble. Besides, if you truly wanted to minister to them, you could easily take the initiative yourself to invite them to do healthier activities.

"Jesus dined with the prostitutes and tax-collectors," the youth pastor quickly shot back.

Yes, but did Jesus hang out with prostitutes -- inside a whorehouse? I may not have ever attended seminary, but something tells me that this was never the case. Jesus once told an adulteress, "Go and sin no more." He didn't say, "Let me come along next time you cheat on your husband so that I can minister to you. Don't worry, I won't be tempted to sin as I watch you do something that disgusts me as much as it breaks my heart."

It's funny how Christians think it's a noble "ministry" to put themselves in a sinful setting, but are totally appalled at something as tame as eating dinner with a sinner.

Irony

2011-04-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

"Young people exchange their health and their time for money, with the hope that, in the future when they are older, they can use that money to exchange it all back. And that is not even a guarantee."

- My landlord on workaholics, particularly those in Silicon Valley

After a Break Up

2011-04-22T23:11:00.004-07:00

What does it mean to move on?

Does it mean that you've reached a point in your life where all those moments - the time on the bus when you first held hands; the time when he held you, under a tree, as you blew your nose on his shirt; the time when you stormed off in anger and got yourself lost in the city, and you were too stubborn to call him first, but as soon as your phone rang you knew that you were the one who had lost; the time when he asked you about your thoughts on birth control and you started freaking out at the assumption that he was going to propose any moment but you didn't think you were ready; the time when you looked into his eyes, bluish-grey with flecks of caramel, and realized that they were beautiful - no longer mean anything to you, or are simply forgotten?

How can you ever forget? How can you remove the feelings attached? How can you gain back all that time lost?

It's been nearly four months, don't you know? When will my heart be convinced that these memories hold little to no significance? When can I finally be set free?

Stuck in my Head

2011-04-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

"What are you thinking about?"

It was a quiet night, a quiet drive, until he asked the question - that question. It was a game we used to play - initially, as a quick n' easy way to break the awkward silence before it evolved, over time, into a flirtatious excuse for us to verbally express affection. It became an addiction; it was thrilling to hear the other reveal their thoughts, in the moment, on command.

But when he asked that question, that night, I cringed a bit, I wilted, and I managed a half-smile - one part sentiment, one part sarcasm - in the darkness.

"Nothing, really," I said. It wasn't a lie. I happened to have a song stuck in my head, but I wasn't thinking of anything particularly significant.

The quietness resumed; the space between us was anything but silent.

And then the other questions sprouted. Questions about my plans for the future. Do you see yourself staying in California? Why not? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?

"I've been thinking about teaching abroad," I told him, answering as succintly as possible without sacrificing honesty. "I'm planning on getting a Teaching English as a Foreign Language certificate at some point."

A slight pause. Then, in a manner that I couldn't have anticipated, "I think you'd make a great teacher." It was just, just -- so genuine.

"Why do you say that?"

"I've always thought that you'd make a good teacher. Because you're smart, and you're passionate about learning and education and stuff."

"Well, I'm not so sure. Teaching involves more than being smart. I'm a little terrified about being a teacher, actually. I'm not very good at explaining things. And I don't know if I'll have the patience."

"No, you're good at explaining things," he said, with an authority that the skeptic within automatically discarded - but also with a gentleness that made me melt. "I think that," he continued, in a playful attempt at encouragement, "my opinion is worth more in this case because my observation is from the outside, and --"

I knew he was trying to get me to smile, and I must say that it worked, to a degree. It was a weak, cautious smile. Why is he being so damn nice?

Wisdom and Discernment

2011-04-14T14:32:00.001-07:00

I really, really need more mentors in my life.

The Way to a Woman's Heart

2011-03-31T12:22:00.003-07:00

... is through her stomach. Well, that's true for me, anyway.

And that is exactly how, after five long months of half-grudgingly living here, San Jose has finally won my heart. On the surface, the city is dusty and dingy with a serious lack of life and excitement, but I've come to fall in love with San Jose for its simple, unpretentious, fresh, tasty, and dirt cheap eats.

I love you, San Jose. Thanks for feeding me so well. Now if only your taxes were lower and your housing were more affordable...

A New Creation

2011-03-28T22:46:00.013-07:00

I'm a little hesitant to even attempt writing this because (1) I don't know where to begin, and (2) I don't know how it will end up. I'm also way too excited right now to be coherent, I think. But I guess I'll just do the obvious and begin at the beginning and see where this takes me. Here goes.

"Ministry begins with affirming your identity," I heard a pastor preach one Sunday morning, some months ago. "Ministry flows from understanding that you are beloved."

It seemed to make sense, but it didn't really click for me yet. I was still too focused on the ministry part. The doing part. I was obsessed with it.

This has been true for pretty much the entirety of my Christian life. I obsessed over what I was doing, what I should be doing, what I could be doing. I obsessed over whether or not I was doing the right thing. I obsessed over whether or not I was doing enough. I obsessed over whether or not I was following God's plan for me.

I obsessed myself into frustrated paralysis and faithless depression.

It started to feel like seventh grade all over again -- staying up late, crying, wrestling with existential questions, night after night: Why do I feel so empty and broken? Why am I suffering in this way? Why am I so confused? What am I doing with my life? What is my purpose? Who am I? Where did my faith go? Did I even have faith to begin with? Am I really a Christian?

I frequently found myself jealous of other Christians who were filled with so much joy. Although, in many cases, I had more knowledge or wisdom or intellect or insight or intuition, I had seemingly zero control of my emotions. I just couldn't figure it out -- I was emotionally-retarded. I was frustrated and upset and cynical and sarcastic and negative and angry and resentful and incredibly insecure. How come I couldn't experience the joy that some Christians so easily grasped? Were they more "spiritually mature"? Where they holier than I was? Were they - dare I think it? - more loved by God? Does God have favorites?

Last Friday I attended an event to listen to Francis Chan, a pastor and author who speaks just as he writes -- simply, with gentleness and humility, and yet with powerful conviction.

"God knows you, and He is crazy about you," Francis said, in a manner that brought me to tears. He told story after story to illustrate just how much God loves his children, just how amazing it is to actually be loved by your Father and your Creator, just how much we need to be rejoicing in His love. He was clearly Spirit-led that night -- at some point, he even admitted that he had digressed so much from his plans that he wasn't sure what he was preaching on anymore. But his stories - his insistence on believing that God knows us and loves us - deeply resonated with me and happened to be exactly what I needed to hear.

And then, just two nights ago, I listened to a discussion between a couple of friends. "You are a new creation! You are a new creation!" one of them emphasized. The words were directed to someone else, but I heard God speaking them to me. "You are no longer bound to your sin. You are no longer guilty. He sees you as pure and righteous. He set you free. Who are you to continue putting guilt on yourself?"

Last night I thought about all these things, all these different ways that God has been speaking to me. Everything suddenly fell into place as I realized that knowing what to do comes from knowing what your purpose is, and knowing your purpose comes from knowing who you are. You have to properly answer the question "Who am I?" before you can properly answer the question "What should I do with my life?". You have to work out the fundamentals first. You have to work out your identity.

I also now understand that, to know who you are, you need to know how God sees you. Who I am is determined by how God sees me, not by how I've been seeing myself. And you can't just "know" it in some shallow sense -- you have to believe it. Really believe it.

I realized that I've lost sight of that and have forgotten that I am God's daughter, and God's creation, and that He loves me, and that He likes me, and that I am a new, free, righteous person. It's tragic that somehow this simple, fundamental, profound idea had become so desensitized to me that it became difficult for me to believe that it was actually true. But I truly, truly believe it now. I am not bound to my emotions and my circumstances, because that's not who I am, because that's not what God sees in me. When you really believe that God sees you as beautiful and wonderful, what does anything else matter? I started weeping, but for the first time in my life it was out of relief.

I believe that I am at the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I feel like my relationship with God is starting over, kind of like how the prodigal son returns home to his father and starts over. I still have to relearn some things and unlearn other things. I still need healing and recuperation. I still have things to sort through. But it's okay, it's not a big deal, because at least I now know - really know - who I am. And I'm pretty excited about it!

I understand that this post may have come across as sloppy, but it's mostly because I can't even begin to fit everything that I'm trying to say into this thing. But just take my word for it -- God is incredible. And take God's word for it -- He loves you like crazy.

Dinner with My Ex

2011-03-15T18:19:00.001-07:00

Reconciliation is never overrated.

Signs of the End Times

2011-03-11T00:46:00.003-08:00

Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains.
Mark 13:8

Am I the only person out there who has been thinking about this verse a lot lately?

Pray pray pray pray pray pray pray.

Noms

2011-03-06T22:47:00.004-08:00

I've been eating a lot of my meals in the car lately.

It's pretty strange, I know, but for some reason I keep finding myself eating in the car. And no, I don't mean that I eat while I drive -- I've only done that once (okay, twice). I'm a safe driver. Really. Well, I try.

It's not that I'm forced to eat in the car, either. Whenever I order food from some place, I normally have plenty of time in my schedule to either (1) dine in, or (2) take out and bring it home to eat. But I don't do either. I get my food to-go, and then I eat in the car. Or I drive to some other location, park, and then eat in the car. I don't know why I do this.

The other day I had planned on getting some cheap Mexican food for lunch and then running some errands at Target. So I ordered a couple of items to-go, drove to Target, and remained in my car to chow down. At some point I looked up from my meal to see a Target employee in front of my car, staring at me. It was slightly awkward. I was really tempted at that point to scare the crap out of him by honking. Or by opening my mouth to give him a nice view of some mashed up shrimp ceviche. But I didn't. Turn the other cheek and all, so it goes. Which is exactly what I did. I turned my cheek because I didn't want to make eye contact with random Target dude anymore. Didn't he have some shopping-cart-collection to do, anyway?

And just now I went to Safeway to buy some Robitussin (for this annoying cough I've been having recently) and bananas (for my still very sore muscles). I drove back home and then... I ate a banana. In the car. And then took some Robitussin in the car as well. Even though I could have easily went inside my house before proceeding with consumption.

Perhaps I simply find a bizarre comfort in solitary confinement. I'm not sure.

And somehow my nonsensical pondering on this topic led me to conclude that I'm never going to get married. Ha ha ha.

That. Was. INTENSE.

2011-03-05T11:31:00.002-08:00

I worked out today. For the first time in, oh, my entire life.

Okay, so I exaggerated a bit. Believe it or not, I have exercised before. I took swimming lessons in elementary school. I took P.E. for one year each in middle and high school. I hit the treadmill a few times during my last year in college. I went hiking a few weeks ago.

I've never had such an intense workout until today, however. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever moved my arms so much in my life, either.

So, here's the back story. Sometime last week, a co-worker suckered me into purchasing a Groupon for unlimited kickboxing classes for an entire month. I now credit her with a masterful grasp at the art of persuasion.

But I also figured that paying a small fee to take scheduled classes under the instruction of a professional would help me get into the habit of exercising regularly, which is something that I wanted to do, anyway. I wanted to get whipped into shape. I just didn't anticipate getting my butt kicked this badly.

I don't feel as winded I thought I would be, but my muscles are another matter altogether. I even had trouble taking a shower just now -- my legs felt wobbly and I couldn't lift my arms up to wash my hair without propping them against the wall for support. It was pretty pathetic. Okay, it was exceptionally pathetic.

Strangely enough, though, I don't feel defeated. It was actually... f-f-f-fun? Whoa.

Thoughts from Late Last Night

2011-03-04T08:09:00.003-08:00

I think I am too intellectually-oriented for my own good. Why can't my mind just give up control and choose to believe what my heart already knows to be true?

I think there are two broad categories of self-proclaimed Christians. There are Christians who adapt their lifestyles to fit what the Bible says. And there are Christians who adapt what the Bible says to fit their lifestyles. Most times, it looks exactly the same on the surface. But wait until they open their mouth. That's when their heart speaks.

I'm not sure that it's possible to love unconditionally so long as respect is lacking. By respect I don't mean respecting someone because they are in a higher position or authority, or respecting someone because they are better than you in some way, but respecting someone because you feel that they are valuable. I mean the kind of respect where you have an attitude of appreciation for someone for who they are and what they're worth and where you maintain actions that reflect that appreciation. You can't truly love someone if you think you are better; you can't build someone up if you look down on them. You may be able to superficially help someone who you believe is below you, but it won't be out of compassion; it would be out of self-righteousness. And the difference, I can assure you, can be felt by the recipient.

It's not at all a pleasant feeling.

Christians need to learn the difference between Christ-seeking and thrill-seeking, between pursuing love and pursuing bragging rights.

Exhausted

2011-03-03T17:53:00.001-08:00

Dear God,

I'm really tired.

I'm tired of running after things. Running after a career, running after money, running after relationships, running after happiness. I'm tired of running after superficial satisfaction. I'm tired of running after things that I do not understand, things that I do not know anything about. I'm tired of running after the elusive, the things that are not eternal. I'm tired of running after ideas and dreams and philosophy and intellectualism. I'm tired of running after holiness. I'm tired of running after a better version of me, running after a false version of me.

I want to stop running, God. I want to sit quietly at Your feet. I want to soak in Your light and Your love. I want to find rest. I want to be filled. Hold my hand, God; hold me still. Whisper to me Your truth.

You don't have to run anymore. It is finished.

Hunger and Sorrow

2011-02-28T22:53:00.005-08:00

When I was in the sixth grade, my father beat me.

It was so traumatizing that I can't even remember what happened afterwards. I know that at some point I was in the car with my father and my brothers and we met up with my mom somewhere and I ran in crying and wailing hysterically and my mom was stunned at the sight. But I don't remember any of this.

Several years later, I'm lying in bed late at night, unable to fall asleep for whatever reason. I hear my father enter my bedroom, and I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. He kneels by my bedside and starts to sob. "I hope you will forgive me for ever hurting you," he says. I continue to lay still, eyes closed, heart pounding.

I have yet to forgive him.

You see? I am not a good person. "Forgive others as Christ forgave you," I've been taught. I am not so sure as to why I am holding back. I know that my father is genuinely sorry. I know that he loves me. But I've yet to understand what unconditional love is. I've yet to understand the concept of free grace.

It's because I don't truly believe in any of it -- in unconditional love, in free grace. If I did, then what's stopping me from forgiving, from forgetting, from moving on? Jesus once said to his disciples, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." And yet, unconditional love and free grace seem so impossible. Impossible for me to give, and impossible for me to receive, too.

I can't say that I've been able to move the mountains in my life, in which case my faith must be microscopically small, completely nonexistent, or so out of practice and so misunderstood that it may as well be nonexistent. Jesus also once said, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven". Am I one of these people? Am I a fake Christian? Am I deluding myself?

When a self-proclaimed Christian consistently engages in binge drinking, or sexual promiscuity, or some other apparent sin, it seems justifiable to question the authenticity of his faith. Similarly, then, is it not justifiable to question the authenticity of my faith so long as I fail to practice forgiveness, joy?

Where is fruit in my life?

A friend suggested that in the midst of struggle and insecurity, I am more prone to spiritual attack. She encouraged me to stand firm. But my faith is so dry -- it fails to quench the fiery arrows that consume me. My shield - my faith - it's charred and in pieces. Can I get a new one?

Last year, during the Philly missions trip, a friend confessed her envy for my situation -- that I consistently met people who challenged my faith while she consistently met people who were already faithful. She had hoped for spiritual challenge. I told her that, actually, she is blessed for being so well protected. Christians who ask for spiritual challenge don't know what they're asking for, I've come to realize. Christians should ask for spiritual empowerment. Christians should ask for the Spirit.

Am I really filled? What, then, is this burning hunger?

I Give Up. Sort of.

2011-02-27T21:20:00.003-08:00

I decided to give up on one of my New Year's resolutions: to read through the entire Bible in one year. I've fallen tremendously behind and I don't see how I can ever catch up at this point. But I also decided that I won't give myself a hard time about it. Instead, I'll just commit to another variation of the same goal: to read through the New Testament in six months. Much more doable for me right now (and much more needed, I think). And I will attempt the Bible-in-a-year plan again next year.

And while I'm at it, I might as well confess that I've also fallen behind in every single one of my resolutions. Ack. Pray for me, please.

Blessed are the Merciful

2011-02-21T00:18:00.001-08:00

"If God is so good, then why is there evil in the world?" This is well-known as a "tough question" commonly asked by nonbelievers to challenge the Christian faith. The answer, I believe, lies in this verse:

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Genesis 1:26

It's not God's fault. It's the Church's. God gave us the authority to rule the earth, to be His hands and feet, to act with responsibility and stewardship for His creation. That was His original intention. That was the purpose and the privilege of our existence. But we failed.

High crime rates? Our fault. Poverty? Our fault. Corrupt governments? Again, our fault. We are at fault for failing to step out of the safety and comfort of the Church in order to minister to others and to carry out God's will "on earth as it is in Heaven". Some of us are naive and don't realize that we have this kingdom authority and empowerment, and some of us simply don't want to believe it to be true because we are selfish, because we are self-righteous, because we are self-willed, because we are self-preserving.

But there is hope for us yet. We just need to wake up and get it right. Thankfully, God is merciful even when we aren't.

Following God

2011-02-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

is not an intellectual pursuit, and the Church is not an ivory tower.

The Value of Memorization

2011-02-18T15:18:00.008-08:00

"Memorizers die," my high school Physics teacher used to emphatically repeat to the class. And, to an extent, there is truth in that statement. But I also think that many modern educators have a misunderstanding about the value of rote memorization, particularly with young students. A recent NY Times article discusses a "revolutionary" public school in India that is moving away from memorization and tests towards projects and presentations. The article attributes this change as an "improvement", but I hesitate to agree.

It may be true that there is something wrong with the traditional education system of India, but I'm not at all convinced that rote learning is at fault -- rather, I would say that the culprit is actually standardized testing. Children have brains like sponges; it is during their earliest years when they have the capacity to absorb information in volumes that they may never be able to similarly simulate in the future, and it is during elementary school that their ability to memorize should be taken full advantage. But the purpose of memorization isn't immediate regurgitation -- it is digestion. If students are memorizing simply to pass tests, then of course they will fail. Even if they don't fail the exam, they will fail as learners. But if students are memorizing to build a solid foundation, then they will be better prepared to understand concepts and problem-solve and apply their knowledge into wisdom in the future when they are better able to think critically.

Meh. I'll probably just homeschool my kids when I have 'em.

Art

2011-02-15T14:43:00.003-08:00

I used to believe that all art is a form of argument. If a painting, song, film, novel, or whatever piece of work doesn't strive to make a case for something, then it's not art. It's either entertainment, personal self-expression, or a waste of time.

I still stand by my original definition, but only recently did I realize what makes good art. Good art is not only an argument, but a call to action. Good art compels and inspires and encourages you to go and do something.

This world can always use some more good artists.

My Parents

2011-02-14T09:40:00.000-08:00

are super cute together. I'm pretty envious of them, admittedly.

Action and Effectiveness

2011-02-06T21:07:00.007-08:00

I just can't sympathize with someone who claims to have an interest in something but hasn't bothered to learn anything about it.

If you really care about something, then you will act on it. And part of acting on something is learning about it first, so that you can act on it effectively.

If you're not taking the time to learn about it, then you don't care about it. I was about to write "probably don't care", but I don't think that's true. See above. Contrapositive.

I say this while lying down in bed. Yes, I'm typing while lying down. Haha, I amuse myself. But now my neck kinda hurts.

Counting Your Blessings

2011-02-05T00:21:00.003-08:00

A few comments brought up in Bible Study earlier tonight:

As cheesy as 'counting your blessings' sounds, there is value to it. It's a discipline.
It helps to literally and consciously list them out.
It helps to make memorials or to keep mementos. Photo albums, journals, etc. remind us of the blessings we've had.
We need to take note of our blessings -- rather than stay fixated on what we don't have, we need better vision for what is right in front of us.

It all sounds so simple, so obvious, and yet it was something that I really needed to hear. It was good, practical advice, and it was also reassuring -- my previous entry, actually, was one that I forced myself to write, to point out to my current self that I am indeed blessed, and to remind my future self that I have experienced good times. It's more important than I realize.

So, some blessings in my life:

I am blessed to be born into a stable, middle class family in America.
I am blessed to have parents who love and support me. Parents who try not to spoil me but still provide me with more than I need. Parents who have set an example of what makes a terrible relationship -- and, some years later, what makes a beautiful one.
I am blessed to have two brothers who fart in my bed but still manage to treat me as a lady in public.
I am blessed to have attended a ridiculously expensive private university, take art and philosophy classes, and graduate with a major that no one has heard of. That is an incredible luxury.
I am blessed to have been raised in the church. I am blessed to have grown up learning facts about the Bible, which certainly made it easier for me to digest and understand it later.
I am blessed to have experienced Christian fellowship. To have been vulnerable, to have been held accountable, to have been encouraged, to have been edified.
I am blessed to have a job despite the current state of the economy on top of my unheard-of major. I am blessed that it is a job that suits me well, in an industry that is interesting, in a workplace that I enjoy.
I am blessed to have a car. Freedom!
I am blessed to have friends in the area, and to be making new friends already! I also have plans to meet up with a long-lost friend tomorrow. Crazy!
I am blessed to have a roof over my head and a bed in which to sleep. I should probably get some now.

Lord God, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the blessings you have poured into my life. Renew my heart and teach me to see clearly how much You truly love me.

Hot Pot and Laughter

2011-02-02T20:46:00.000-08:00

Had hot pot for dinner with about ten others tonight in celebration of Chinese New Year. Four of them I had known previously; the rest were new faces. And yet, I had such a good time. I haven't laughed so much and so hard in so, so long. Chinese New Year dinner is supposed to be a family-reunion-type deal, and even though none of us were family in the biological sense, it somehow felt like one. It felt really good.

I love being able to laugh until my face hurts. I love it when there's this communal sense of ease - no pretense, no prejudice - just open, unashamed, inebriating goofiness. I love it when a group of seemingly random individuals simply click -- I think it happens when each person makes the decision to enjoy one another's company. It's a choice, though not always conscious, to put yourself out there, to put aside timidity. It comes from understanding that it's worthwhile. It comes from having experienced joy like this before.

Mm, can't wait for more of these moments.

Perspective

2011-01-31T20:03:00.000-08:00

When someone opens up and shares with you their experience with loneliness or depression, please don't try to "correct" their perspective by reminding them of how their life isn't actually so bad. Don't say things like, "at least you don't have cancer" or "at least you have parents who love you" or "at least" anything. Chances are, they know these things to be true, but that's not the point.

King David had riches, fame, success in war, beautiful women, and was "a man after God's own heart", and yet he still suffered from a bout of loneliness and depression. I'm sure that he understood that he was "better off" than most, but favorable outside circumstances are simply not enough of a cushion for spiritual and emotional struggle.

People who are lonely or depressed don't need perspective. They need renewal from God, and compassion from you.

Convictions

2011-01-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

God heard the groaning of the Israelites enslaved in Egypt and remembered His covenant. But when He promised deliverance, they didn't listen to Him because of their discouragement.

We are biased by hindsight - we know that God does eventually keep true his promises and goes to great lengths to rescue His people from their suffering - and so it's easy for us to say that the Israelites lacked faith. But I am guilty of the same thing.

I am Peter stepping out of the boat -- and then sinking, out of fear, before reaching Jesus. Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” I know he is asking me the same question. I can't even begin to justify myself by saying, "Well, hey, at least I met you halfway! At least I stepped out of the boat in the first place!" I just can't do it. I know that my faith is little. I know that I needed him to catch me.

I'm wondering why I had to go through things the way I did. I'm wondering why God lets me fall and fall and fall -- and then rescues me at the last possible second. I'm wondering why my life as of late has been marked by seemingly hopeless situations followed by incredibly miraculous intervention. I'm wondering if God has been trying to teach me something; I'm wondering if this is something I'm supposed to get used to.

It's pretty evident to me that my suffering is a result of sin. My own sins, the sins of people in my life, the sins of my ancestors, the sins of the world. Healing may take a while, and it may get complicated, but with God, all things are possible.

All the Time

2011-01-23T20:22:00.003-08:00

How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

The past few weeks, month, year has been a difficult time for me. A relentless pressure from seemingly every aspect of my life - anxiety in my job situation, conflict in my relationships, fruitlessness in my spiritual life - condensed into feelings of loneliness, depression, rejection, regret. It finally bubbled over when I broke up with my boyfriend of ten months, the very reason why I moved my life across the country in the first place.

I became a bigger mess than I ever thought possible after that. To top it off, the person I was relying on to drive me to and from work everyday told me soon after that he could no longer carpool -- it was too much of a burden for him. Not only did I feel crushed by my emotions, but suddenly I was literally stranded as well. Where do I go now? Did I make a mistake in coming here? What's going to happen to me?

I felt abandoned. By other people, by my own God. I never realized how much disappointment and bitterness was bottled within me. Just thinking about it now leaves a sickening shamefulness in the pit of my stomach.

But God has proven to be faithful, even when I haven't been.

It's utterly mind-boggling, the turnaround that I've recently experienced. Within a week, I was given a car, a full-time offer, a welcoming church family. I was also given newfound time -- I now have more time to fellowship with different people, more time to serve in different ways, more time to spend with my Father in prayer and in reading His Word -- and a newfound appreciation in all these things. God visibly and tangibly scooped me out of the miserable pit I was in and has placed me on a pedestal. He reminded me that I am His beloved daughter, His beautiful princess, His perfect creation, and that I need to take heart, for He has overcome the world. I have so much to hope for! So, so much to be thankful for. So much to sing about, for God has been good to me.

Learning to Like

2011-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

Westerners - and perhaps Americans in particular - have a funny view on love. We seem to relentlessly hold fast to the idea that our feelings cannot be controlled. We can't help falling in love, and when our feelings peter out, we use that as grounds for breaking up or getting a divorce. We would even go so far as to claim that to do so would be an act of courage, nobility, or virtue.

Western Christians, too, have a funny view on love. We accept that emotions are temperamental, and so we ignore them, sometimes declaring them to be distracting or even ungodly. We teach that love is not a feeling, but an act of the will. We stress a difference between "liking" and "loving", and we emphasize action and sacrifice.

So it seems that both of these views rest on the premise that people do not have control over their feelings, and the main difference between the two, generally speaking, is that non-Christians prioritize feelings in their actions, while Christians separate actions from their feelings.

To put it bluntly, I think both of these approaches to love are off-base. And that is because I think the premise is wrong -- I think that feelings can be controlled.

You can develop positive feelings for someone that is at first difficult to love. People acquire and develop appreciation in things all the time. Someone with no prior interest in art or classical music or a foreign language or a sport can begin to like it simply by learning about it. It grows even more when they practice it, when they create something with it, when they invest time in it, when they share it with others. Why don't people realize that the same can be done between individuals?

I get a little frustrated when I hear pastors say such things as "Love is not an ooey gooey feeling. Those feelings do not last, but you have to keep on loving your spouse, anyway!" How can you possibly love your spouse genuinely and consistently with no feelings? Paul writes to the Corinthians that you can give away all of your possessions to the poor (clearly a willful act of great sacrifice!) and still not have love. Then he proceeds to explain that love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, and so on. Do not all of these qualities involve some sort of feeling?

Loving someone is not a hopeless cause simply because you lack the proper feelings. Loving someone is also not simply an issue of mind over matter. Your heart should come into play as well. Don't just learn to "love". Learn to like.

Resolutions

2011-01-05T14:02:00.002-08:00

Better late than never, I guess. Here goes:

Pray for the entire world. I will be praying for one country each day. I'm doing this to (1) maintain discipline in my prayer life, (2) open my eyes and my heart to the needs of others, and (3) grow to be more mission-minded.

Read the whole Bible. Although I love reading Scripture, I'll be the first to admit that reading it is not a daily habit of mine, so I'm following a Bible-reading plan to (1) maintain discipline in seeking truth, wisdom, and instruction, (2) engage with God in a way I haven't before, and (3) actually, I can't really think of a third point. I'm just sure it'll change me in a good way.

Sacrifice my money. For me, this specifically means (1) refraining from buying certain things that I absolutely do not need (such as new clothing) for at least a year, so that I can (2) properly tithe and (3) give more to charity than what I normally give. I am hoping to start sponsoring a child through Compassion International, but I'm not yet sure if I have the means to do so.

Commit to a church community. I hope this happens soon. Small groups, accountability, discipleship -- I need it all really badly, especially in this particular season.

Spend time in another context. Another missions trip is in order for this year. And hopefully some volunteering on a more regular basis. I still need to work out the details, however.

Develop healthier habits. Sleep more routinely. Eat more healthily. Start exercising? Not sure what this is going to look like just yet, but I know that I need some improvement in this area of my life.

Let me know what your New Year's resolutions are so that I may pray for you and your growth, and let me know if you'd like to join me in doing any of the resolutions that I've mentioned, too.

And remember: SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. One of the few things I remember from my college education.

Soup and Clementines

2011-01-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

I play devil's advocate. I communicate my opinions in a way that pisses people off. I have trouble expressing my feelings. I withhold my emotions. I appear aloof to people who care about me.

I've understood for a while that I'm a crappy daughter, particularly to my father. I didn't know how to be accommodating in conflict, how to speak with humility, how to show him that I love him because I was too busy being angry and bitter and resentful.

Now I'm dating someone who is the complete opposite of my father, and I've come to understand that I'm a crappy girlfriend, too. I don't know how to be engaging in conflict, how to speak with gentleness, how to show him that I love him because I'm too busy being noncommittal and standoffish and afraid.

I wrote this back in May, but never published it. In some ways, I have changed a lot since then. I've had countless of heart-to-hearts and crying fests and confessions with a boy who was previously under the impression that I was constantly perky and happy and chipper. He was surprised to see a side of me that I was slowly uncovering -- a side of me that was and still is deeply broken.

But in some ways, I am ashamed to admit that I haven't changed at all. I never did open up completely. I never did deal with my feelings in a healthy manner. I just continued to swallow my pained emotions and let resentment grow within me. It grew and grew until - one day - it exploded into a mess of hurtful accusations.

I am an undesirable sinner.

I can't even take care of myself. I've been on a diet of soup and clementines and chocolate for the last several days. I've been neglecting my Bible for even longer. I've been finding too much comfort in sleep. I've been allowing myself to wallow in morose, by myself, in the confines of a small and dark bedroom. There's a difference between being solitary and feeling lonely.

I wonder where God is in my life. No, I'm not blaming God for anything. I do, I think, trust in His goodness, His sovereignty, His grace and love. But I wonder if I truly have the Holy Spirit within me. I want that "suddenly" moment where God reveals Himself to me in a powerful way that I can experience, whether as a wind or a fire, whether as an earthquake or a gentle whisper.

Re-Thinking Church-Shopping

2010-12-26T16:53:00.006-08:00

Lately I've been wondering if I have been too picky about churches while "shopping" for one, so to speak, this past month in California. I've been wondering if I'm limiting myself by focusing too much on what my "church needs" and "church preferences" are. I probably am. Silly, silly Alice.

I mean, there undoubtedly exist individuals who have specific needs, and it's a good thing for them to seek a specific church community that can effectively meet those needs. But, in my case, I don't think I have any particularly urgent or important need that could not be met by any particular church, so long as it is a Biblical one.

I just need to remind myself that I will never find a perfect church on Earth. If there is something that I don't like about a church, rather than using it as a lame excuse to hop along to the next one, I need to simply jump in and do something about it. For so many years of my life, I have been babied by church communities -- I need to grow up, step forward, serve others, and allow God to use me in big ways.

It's kinda scary to think about. So many friends have told me their reasons for committing to one church over another. "I like this church because everyone was really friendly and it felt like a family." "I like this church because people open up a lot and are honest about what's on their hearts." "I like this church because there are more ministry opportunities for me to get involved in." And of course these are wonderful qualities for a church to possess. But is the lack of any of these a good reason to move on to a different church, especially if you could start treating everyone like family, if you could start opening up to others, if you could start up a new ministry? You could, but it's just not nearly as easy as when a church already has these things in place. It can be mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually exhausting to be the first. And that's why it's so scary.

But at least I won't be doing it alone.

Church-Shopping

2010-12-06T11:53:00.001-08:00

Warning: Somewhat ranty and rambly. But you might have guessed that already.

I think that I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

I've been floating around a few different churches for the past month and have yet to settle on one, which is a bit of a bummer given that I arrived in San Jose with the expectation that I would commit to a church community within a maximum of a few weeks. I understand that a month of searching isn't necessarily an excessive amount of time, but I'm increasingly bothered by the fact that with each new church that I've checked out, I have less of an idea of what kind of church I should be attending regularly.

I have some "basic" ideas, of course: A church should have a loving community. A church should take such sacraments as baptism and communion seriously. A church should have teaching that is Christ-centered. Etcetera.

It's the more "personal preference" -related things that I have trouble sorting through, such as a church's size and location -- and, perhaps unfortunately, its wealth.

From my totally unscientific observation, it seems to be the case that most churches here in the San Francisco Bay Area are economically segregated. This may or may not be true of most churches everywhere, and sure, people of similar backgrounds have a natural tendency to congregate anyway, but it is so blatantly obvious here that I find it rather disconcerting. For a few weeks, I attended a mega-church that was filled with rich, white people, and all of the sermons revolved around the "typical Silicon Valley lifestyle". Once, the pastor compared a Christian's heart to an iPad. "Open the iPad of your heart and connect with God," he said. I'm sorry if this statement offends anyone, but I had some trouble taking him seriously after that. For another couple of weeks, I attended a church primarily comprised of low-income Hispanics, and the sermons there repeatedly alluded to drug abuse, gangs, and losing your job. Needless to say, I had a difficult time relating to the messages there, too.

I was hoping to find a church that was rich in diversity -- in race, in age, and yes, in wealth, as well. But the churches here are either black or white, and I have yet to find even a grey one, let alone one that is colorful. And now I'm not even sure how much that actually matters in the first place.

This church-shopping business has been pretty frustrating. I need to think about this a lot more. But, the thing is, I don't really know where to start. I don't know what I should be looking for, and I don't know what exactly I need. It was fairly easy for me to pick a church in Pittsburgh: at the time, I desperately needed Christian fellowship, and it was handed to me on a silver platter by ACF and PCC. But I have different needs now. I'm just not really sure what they are.

I guess I also need to get back into the habit of thinking in general.

Oh, thinking.

Question for you guys: What do you look for in a church? If you're not a Christian, what would you look for in a given community?

Learning to be Thankful

2010-11-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

My internship here in San Jose is truly God-given. There's no way I can deny that. After months of job-searching with seemingly no leads and no end to my wait and anxiety, suddenly I had door after door opening before me in rapid succession. Details were beginning to fit together perfectly. Even now, a full three weeks into my job, I am still bewildered - utterly amazed - by how God has led me here -- and how He continues to bless me on top of everything else. I found a room for rent in a convenient location. I have a ride to and from work. I attend a church within walking distance. I have several friends in the area already. I have supportive co-workers and a Christian boss. I am learning tons everyday. I honestly have nothing to complain about.

And yet, things are still far from perfect. I'm certainly grateful for this internship opportunity, but, the truth is, I've been having difficulty with it ever since I started. Hardly a day goes by when I don't feel frustrated, confused, inadequate, or some combination of all three. What is wrong with me? Am I not smart enough? Diligent enough? Aggressive enough? Why is this such a struggle? What if I can't keep up with my assignments? What if this internship doesn't work out? What if my boss decides he doesn't want to employ me? What if I fail?

I don't believe that I'm being far-fetched or overly self-pitious with these questions, really. They are real, unexaggerrated concerns. But I acknowledge that I'm not being trusting of God with these questions, either. I know that I am afraid. I am not so much afraid of failure itself, but I am afraid of its consequences. I am afraid of uncertainty. I am afraid of starting-over.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" It's a popular Bible verse that many Christians have memorized, and I have heard it recited countless of times with the intent of encouragement, but how many of these Christians know the verse that comes right before it?: "This is what the LORD says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.'" Seventy years! Seventy years for God to fulfill His promise. I wonder if the original audience was in fact disheartened when they heard this.

Regardless, they shouldn't have been disheartened. And, regardless, I shouldn't be disheartened, either. It doesn't matter that it took God seventy years to bring His people back home from Babylon to Jerusalem, and it doesn't matter that I don't know how long it will take for God to relieve this uncertainty and fear and suffering of mine. What does matter is that God made a promise: He promised us prosperity, safety, hope and a future. We have all of that to look forward to! And all we have to do is to reflect our gratitude through obedience to Him: work hard, bear good fruit, invest in this place, and pray. Several years into Christianity and I still need to learn how to be truly thankful for where God promises to lead me and where He has placed me now.

And anyway, my current state of "suffering" does seem pretty silly compared to seventy years in exile.

To-Do List

2010-10-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

There are two types of people who make to-do lists: the organized type who finds a pleasurable sense of accomplishment as they cross off items on their list, and the scatterbrained type who wouldn't get anything done if they didn't make a list.

Guess which category I'm in!

Anyway, some things I need to do this week-ish:

book a flight
apartment hunt
read up on SQL and SEO
hang out with peeps
trim my bangs
pack my stuff
CHICK FIL-A!!!

Oh my gash, I could really use some Christian Chicken right now.

Just Shoot Me

2010-10-28T23:20:00.002-07:00

Overly dramatic title, I know. Sorry.

So it's 2AM and I'm having trouble falling asleep, perhaps partly because I'm still on Pacific Time, but it also doesn't help that I have a bunch of random things running through my mind (I have so much stuff to do in the next couple of weeks! I don't know if I can do it!).

Okay, I tell myself, there's no use in lying in bed and mentally freaking out. Might as get up and do something that would tire me out and/or calm me down.

So I roll out of bed, find my glasses, turn on the lights, and -- I see a cockroach on my dresser. No big deal, though. I'll just squash it.

But then, to my horror, I see the freaking little bugger squeeze itself through a crack in my underwear drawer.

WHAT THE HECK!

I pull open the drawer and, of course, the roach is not in sight. CRAP. AS IF I NEEDED MORE THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.

So much for going back to sleep tonight.

California, Here I Come

2010-10-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

Again.

I flew into California, checked out a job fair, obtained a business card from a recruiter, e-mailed him my résumé and cover letter, got a phone call, scheduled an interview, had a phone interview, got rejected for a customer service position that I wasn't particularly interested in anyway, received another e-mail from the same recruiter, had yet another phone interview, went to their office for a two-hour-long in-person interview that involved solving math puzzles, and landed an online marketing internship offer. Oh, and also hung out with my boyfriend on the side. All within the last month. And that last interview I had was literally right before I had to leave for the airport to catch a flight back home.

All I could think about on the six hour plane ride was how I get the feeling that God enjoys keeping me on my toes. And how weird it is to suddenly feel rushed rushed rushed -- so much to do before I have to head back to Cali again! -- after such a long long long time of waiting.

In any case, God has been really good to me, especially when I've been particularly hard on myself.

Fearfully and Wonderfully

2010-10-21T12:35:00.003-07:00

The first time my boyfriend ever told me that I looked "pretty" was when I wore a plain white t-shirt, had my hair up in a messy ponytail, and was sweating buckets. I certainly didn't feel pretty; in fact, I was just thinking about how disgusting I must have looked when he suddenly said, "you look really pretty today".

"Uh, erm, thanks," I mumbled awkwardly. At the time, I was too stunned to be flattered.

Since then, he's commented on what he believes to be my "prettiness" on such occasions as when I'm stuffing my face with a BBQ pork bun, or when I'm crying and snot is dripping out of my nose. Certainly not what I consider to be my prettiest moments. And, since then, I've been struggling with an appropriate response.

"You're just saying that because I'm your girlfriend," I once said. I've also said things like, "Whatever", "Your FACE is pretty!", "I don't know how to respond to that", and "I don't feel comfortable when you say that."

"Well, get used to it," he told me when I had made that last statement. What a stupid thing to say, I had thought to myself. How can I get 'used to' something that isn't true?

The other night, I was visiting a couple of new friends. I shared with them some of the personal struggles that I have been going through recently. One of them opened up the Bible and read Psalm 139 aloud.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

"Do you believe that?", she asked me. "Do you believe that you are fearfully and wonderfully made?"

"I... I guess so," I said, rather weakly.

"That doesn't sound very convincing to me," she said.

We weren't even talking about appearances, but it dawned on me that my insecurity with my appearance - as well as other aspects of my life - coincides - is tangled up - with the broader insecurity that I have about being a Child of God. I couldn't get "used to" the idea of being called pretty because I didn't believe it to be true. Likewise, if I believed that I am a beautiful creation that was fearfully and wonderfully made, yet still have trouble accepting that - in my mind and in my heart and in my life, it is probably because I am not truly convinced of that, either.

There comes a point in a Christian's life when they realize that they are severely broken and flawed and in desperate need of grace. Even so, shouldn't there be this thrilling sense of peace and comfort that comes with knowing that you are loved and accepted by the Creator of the Universe, the Maker of you? That's something that I need to get used to. That's something that I need to embrace.

Fearfully. Wonderfully. Created by God. That goes for you, too.

Sometimes I Wonder

2010-10-01T14:46:00.000-07:00

how vulnerable I should be.

It's a scary thought.

Pray for a Celebrity

2010-09-30T10:37:00.002-07:00

I've never been a big fan of Katy Perry's music, but I've always enjoyed her voice. It's very, um, unconventional - throaty and imperfect - but that's what I like about it.

Anyway. Perhaps I'm a little behind, but I just found out that Katy Perry used to be a Christian singer, then going by Katy Hudson. Out of curiosity, I listened to some of her old stuff on YouTube. My immediate impression was: Eh, it's definitely not as fun as "I Kissed a Girl".

Suddenly, I realized that - just maybe - Katy had the same exact sentiment. How can you blame her?

I'm sure there are plenty of Christians out there who are disappointed in Katy. Just look at the comments they've left on YouTube -- they say she has "fallen", that she "gave into the world", that she is "no longer a Christian". I find these to be very unfair judgments. I mean, who's to say that she ever was a Christian in the first place, simply because she was born to two pastors in a sheltered environment? We were all fallen, we were all lost from the beginning. And there have been plenty of people who lived similarly to Katy, who were raised in the church but decided to find their own way as they grew up; Katy just happened to get famous along the way. And who's to say that Katy is lost forever? It'll be hard to turn to God as a pop sensation, I'm sure, but nothing is impossible. Maybe her upbringing will come around again full force, causing her to wrestle with her identity and her purpose and her faith -- maybe it's all just a part of His plan.

Senses

2010-09-29T17:14:00.002-07:00

It's interesting how some people enjoy discussing their favorite senses - sight, hearing, touch, smell, or taste - and how they could easily prefer one over another. Personally, I have a lot of trouble deciding on a favorite. I am blessed with all of these senses, and I definitely feel blessed with them -- perhaps to an extreme extent, I love the fact that I can experience them all.

I am currently sitting outside, and I love it. I love the brushing sound of leaves in the wind, the dewy scent of fresh-cut grass, the feathery feel of loose strands of my hair against the back of my neck. I love the shimmery quality of sunlit trees and pond ripples, the crisp tartness of my lemon tea. I can't imagine ever parting with any of these senses. I can imagine that statement sounding shallow in an I'm-too-in-love-with-the-physical-world sort of way. I can't help it, though. The world is so messed-up, yet incredibly beautiful.

If the senses that I experience now can be this intoxicating, how much more amazing would heaven be, when I can finally see God face to face?

I'm so excited for home.

Dark Circles

2010-09-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

There are, I realize, many people who seem to enjoy criticizing girls who wear makeup. Makeup - they would say - is for those who aren't true to themselves, those who are fake, or those who want to look whorish. Although I agree that makeup has plenty of degrading uses, as someone who at times feels embarrassed by her facial imperfections, I can totally sympathize with those who use makeup to cover up a blemish, to freshen up their appearance, or to give their confidence a little boost. And while I don't like that some girls use makeup out of insecurity or peer pressure, I can understand why they desire so much to be outwardly beautiful.

But one thing I'll never understand is dark eye makeup. Here I am wishing that my dark circles would go away, and yet girls all around me are purposely giving themselves raccoon eyes. This world is an effed up place, yo.

Money, Money, Money

2010-09-13T09:38:00.004-07:00

Materialism: a desire for wealth and material possessions with little interest in ethical or spiritual matters.

Let me tell you a secret: I struggle with materialism. I admit that I like nice things -- I like shiny gadgets and pretty clothes and fancy stationery and desk supplies (yea, it's a weird fetish of mine). I'd be lying if I told you that I never have an urge to splurge on a new computer or camera, or that I don't find some thrill in looking through home design magazines and dreaming of a room makeover.

I’m sure everybody struggles with materialism to some extent. It might appear especially obvious for some people (if they are constantly sporting the newest Apple products or designer handbags, for example), but it is still true for those who lust for even the smallest of luxuries (Staedtler pen sets, in my case).

But I rarely indulge my materialism because (1) I'm not at all convinced that it is in any way good for me, and (2) I HATE IT WITH A PASSION.

Part of the reason why I liked living in Pittsburgh was because it made it easy for me to escape materialism. Living on my own as a college student required that I be careful with my expenses, and having to travel to school from home by plane (especially with all the current luggage restrictions) forced me to bring only the bare essentials (which is why some of my college friends think I only own a few t-shirts when in fact I have plenty more at home). Consequently, my friends were always commenting on how “empty” my apartment was, my family was impressed that I was able to pack all of my belongings in a mere two suitcases, and I became increasingly convicted of not only the value of simplicity, but also how effortless it was to achieve it. To everyone who wanted to accumulate more and more stuff, I wanted to tell them how much more liberating and refreshing it was to give your stuff away.

But whenever I would return to my home in South Florida, I get slapped in the face by its materialism. This is not to say that materialism doesn’t exist in such places as Pittsburgh, but it is just so blatantly obvious here that it drives me - oh, just a little bit – crazy. It’s apparent in my neighborhood, in every parking lot, in the local hangouts, and even at my church, which is so plagued by Coach and Burberry that I find it suffocating, saddening, and shameful.

Don’t these church-goers realize that MATERIALISM = IDOLATRY? It seems pretty clear that anyone who proclaims to follow the Ten Commandments should make God the top priority in their lives. However, many Christians seem to harbor reasoning that goes something like this: "Well, it's okay to have nice, unnecessary stuff so long as it doesn't interfere with or distract me from God. If I continue to do Christian-like things, then spoiling myself a little here and there wouldn't hurt my relationship with Him". But why would you need to spoil yourself? To reward yourself? To make yourself feel good? To make yourself feel as though you are good as others? Don’t you understand that this mindset is self-loving and self-seeking? That it is putting your security, comfort and joy in the material? That it is distrust, discontent and impatience at God’s dispensation? If that’s not idolatry, then what else is?

Don’t these church-goers also realize that MATERIALISM = THEFT? When God said “Thou shalt not steal”, He also meant that we shouldn’t prize worldly goods, but that we should have moderation in our judgments and wills and affections concerning them. He also meant that we shouldn’t be oppressing the poor, but that we should be giving freely according to our means and their needs. If you are not openhanded towards the poor, then you are stealing from them. Why? Because everything we have is a gift from God -- our riches do not belong to us.

I want to clarify that there is nothing wrong with being rich; in fact, there’s a lot of potential good in making money and amassing wealth -- so that you can give it away! Living richly - materialism - on the other hand, is unloving. If we're supposed to love our neighbors as ourselves, we shouldn't be taking more than we need. In theory, we should be giving at least half of our wealth to others. But is our faith just a theory?

What are you doing with your money?

Hotness

2010-09-09T08:08:00.002-07:00

After giving my mom a hug this morning, she commented on my body temperature: "You're so hot! You should have a doctor check you out."

Then I burst out laughing.

WHY

2010-08-25T09:24:00.005-07:00

are all of my favorite bands either getting worse or breaking up (or somehow doing BOTH, as in the case with Mae)?

The past couple of years has been - for me, at least - a remarkable let down in the music arena. "Forget And Not Slow Down" is the first Relient K album that, even while priced at a mere five bucks on Amazon, I have been disinterested in purchasing. Copeland's "You Are My Sunshine" is an amazing album, but then they disbanded. Mae is breaking up soon, but only after producing some very mediocre EPs. And, most recently, House of Heroes' "Suburba", which I excitedly grabbed for only three bucks on its release date, has yet to grow on me. I doubt it ever will. Seriously, that has got to be the most disappointing three dollars that I have ever spent.

I honestly don't idolize music nearly as much as I did in high school - or even in college - and I wouldn't call myself a music elitist by any means, but I do appreciate fresh, enjoyable tunes now and then.

Recommendations, anyone?

[EDIT]

Okay, scratch what I said earlier.

I just went on a music-downloading rampage - well, I downloaded two albums: "Disappearing World" by Fair and "Birds & Cages" by Deas Vail - and I must say that there is hope for my ears yet (yours, too, if you have similar taste). I am hooked. If you miss the likes of Copeland and Mae, get these albums. Especially "Disappearing World" -- near perfection.

Today, I Almost Made a Little Boy Cry

2010-08-14T18:12:00.002-07:00

I was sitting between two boys - Raphie, going into the 4th grade, and Martin, going into 2nd - and having your typical kiddie conversation over dinner with them.

Me [rather nonchalantly]: So, do you have a girlfriend?
Raphie: NOOO! [pause] Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Yep.
Raphie: Oh. Who?
Me: You!
Raphie [a little too excitedly]: Really?
Me [not wanting to lead him on]: No, I'm just kidding.
Raphie [laughingly]: Okay. MARTIN, DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Martin [suspiciously sheepish]: No, I don't have a girlfriend.
Me: You don't sound very convincing. You sound like you're just really shy about it.
Meanwhile, Raphie is giggling hysterically.
Martin [growing flustered]: I don't have a girlfriend!
Me: Yea, you do! I bet you have a lot!
Martin [turning red as tears form in his eyes]: I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!
Me: Okay, okay! I'm just kidding! I believe you!

Then a boy comes over to our table and offers Martin ketchup, immediately changing his mood to glee.

Whew! That was a close one.

Before the Rooster Crows

2010-07-30T09:55:00.002-07:00

Immediately a rooster crowed. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: "Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly.
Matthew 26:74-75

Whenever I read these verses, my heart twists in anguish. Sunday School lessons have a tendency to give Peter a hard time for denying Christ three times in a row (and for various other things, at that), but how many times have I denied Christ throughout my life? I may not have explicitly lied to anyone about my faith, but how many times have I remained silent in a crowd, afraid or ashamed to express or defend what I believe?

I'm sorry. Help me, save me, raise me up.

Summer

2010-07-22T09:15:00.001-07:00

is a strange time. I don't have a car, but even if I did, I'd have a hard time leaving home while the heat outside is unbearable and there isn't much to do elsewhere, anyway. I hate this feeling, though -- I hate being stuck here -- where laziness wrestles with restlessness and wins, where I find my comfort repulsive, but I can't shake it off.

I've been asked on an almost-daily basis if I've been thinking of anything lately, but I can't say that I have.

I think this would be a good time to make some goals and to practice more discipline.

Sleepy

2010-07-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

I love it when millions upon millions of warm raindrops throw themselves against the streets with reckless abandon.

All I Want to Hear

2010-06-28T08:00:00.001-07:00

are music and laughter and silence.

Poor Joy

2010-06-17T11:10:00.002-07:00

"You know Joy? Our neighbor's dog? I saw her get gang-raped earlier."
"Uh... what?"
"Yea, there was this group of dogs that kept chasing her around the yard and humping her."
"WHAT! Why didn't you try to save her??"
"What was I supposed to do? Chase them away?"
"Yea! Or throw rocks at them or something."
"Right..."
"Poor Joy."

Graduated

2010-05-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

Back in South Florida. Back in the heat and humidity, in the sunshine and thunderstorms. Back in the house where I've stayed up many, many late nights to do homework, to pray, to listen to music or rain while lying in bed, to read Anne of Green Gables or J.D. Salinger, to journal my thoughts and to contemplate my purpose. Back in the place where I grew up, where I've lived the majority of my life.

And yet, this is going to be really weird.

What Can I Say

2010-05-05T06:53:00.000-07:00

I am a terrible student.

You often hear CMU students comment on how attending a school of this much rigor has been a humbling experience that has revealed to them just how "stupid" they actually are. Well - and I say this with the full knowledge that I will inevitably sound like a HUGE PRICK - my CMU experience has been quite different. In fact, CMU has given me a pretty big ego boost in that department; I've come to realize that I'm actually rather smart.
On the other hand, CMU has shown me not that I'm stupid, but that I'm lazy as hell (which I guess does make me stupid, in a way), and yet God continues to be ridiculously gracious to me for some strange reason. I mean, it's kind of a miracle that I'm even graduating on time (now here's to hoping that I don't flunk my finals!), in light of the fact that I switched my major just last year, and that I took a leave of absence for a whole semester, and that my GPA has hovered dangerously near probation status (twice), and that I have accidentally slept through a final exam (also twice). Goodness gracious. Clearly, I did not make it this far on my own.

Reading Old Posts & Comments

2010-05-04T14:37:00.003-07:00

instead of writing my paper.

alice said...

Hey Sharon Darling.
Sigh, I can relate. To a lot of the things you've so eloquently pointed out. I'm always wondering about what to do with my life, too (can you tell?). I can't think in terms of making a living; I can only think of making myself a life worth living. What is purpose? What is my calling? That's all I want to know; everything else stems from there.
Some things I find to be true and at the same time struggle to acknowledge:
Being sympathetic is not the same as feeling sorry. Poor people don't need our pity. They need our compassion. Why do people need convincing of that? I'll never really understand. Just flip on the news or flip through the paper and you can see how much people need to extend love to one another.
What do we owe to the world? Nothing. What do we owe to God? Everything. That's not to say we simply need to devote ourselves to religiosity and become apathetic to our environment. God created the world for us to enjoy, respect, take care of, take part in. So in that sense, in a Law of Syllogism sort of way, maybe we do owe the world everything. But it's not a duty or obligation, it's about how we show our gratitude...
Love you Sharon the Baron! I really do. :)

February 6, 2008 10:42 AM

Hm, yeah. Nothing like a poke from the past.

Almost Done

2010-04-28T18:20:00.003-07:00

Last day of my Conflict class this morning (I realize that I mention this class a lot on my blog, but I guess it makes sense... the class strives to foster introspection, and I try to be introspective when I write). The students - less than twenty - sat in a circle and shared what we've learned from and what we've liked about the class (insightful, enlightening, dynamic, eye-opening, uncomfortable yet encouraging), and as a "talking stick" was passed around - as cheesy as that sounds - most everyone got sentimental, some said "thank you, everyone, for being part of my journey" or some similar statement of gratitude, and a few even teared up. It felt a little weird to witness that -- I kept stealing glances at the professor to see his reaction, and I briefly toyed with the idea that he may have been a hippie at a younger age. But then it hit me - wow! - I wish I were that professor. I wish I could impart practical knowledge applicable to everyday life to such enthusiastic and appreciative students; I wish I could create and encourage such an open, intimate learning environment. And I wish more of my classes have been like this. In regards to academics, there's only been a few - and I mean few - classes that have reassured me that my college education wasn't a complete waste, and this was one of them. It leaves me a bit sad, a bit regretful, that I am graduating so soon, in just a couple of weeks.
I'm more excited than sad, though, even though I have no idea what I'm doing.
I still think that college - especially the prestige and the price tag that accompanies it - is overrated. But learning and teaching life -- that's something I want to continue doing for a while.

Like and Equal

2010-04-12T07:37:00.003-07:00

In my Conflict & Dispute Resolution class earlier today, we had an open discussion about the differences between men and women. The conversation went along smoothly, with most everyone agreeing that men and women are equal, but then it took a sharp turn when one male student posed an interesting question: Why does there seem to be a dichotomy between the push for women's rights and the treatment of women? Why, if we're supposedly equal, is it not okay for me to say certain things around girls or hit them? Why am I expected to open doors for women when I don't have to for men?
My immediate reaction was to quote a line from Madeline L'Engle's "A Wrinkle in Time": Like and equal are not the same thing at all!
Okay, so, for those of you who have never read the book (or need a refresher), the main character, Meg, travels to another planet where everything is the same. The houses are all the same, the children play the same games at the same time, and everything is all in rhythm, all eerily identical. Eventually, Meg comes face-to-face with the force, called IT, behind the sameness of the planet. She begins to recite the Declaration of Independence - "all men are created equal" - at which point, IT suggests that the planet is the ultimate expression of equality, because everything is exactly alike. That's when Meg argues back that "like" and "equal" are not the same thing.
And it's true. Why do you think we have universities offering majors in so many different fields of studies, for example? It's because engineers and computer scientists and designers and pianists and architects and writers and philosophers are all equal, but at the same time so obviously different. They all need professors and curricula and resources, but they all need different professors, different curriculum, different resources. Equality enables individuals to reach their fullest potential; it allows for maximal freedom of learning and growth and expression. Treating everyone the same, however, inhibits that freedom. Treating everyone the same is, at best, disrespectful and stifling, because we're not the same! Treating everyone the same makes you a Communist!!!
Feminism has done something very strange to our society. I firmly believe that men and women are equal. But are they the same? Absolutely not. To treat them the same would not be treating them equally. Why do people have such a hard time digesting that?

Do the Right Thing

2010-03-30T19:54:00.003-07:00

Is this the right decision? We often ask ourselves this question. We need to learn that there sometimes isn't a "right" decision, but what matters are right motives, right processes. We can't determine future outcomes. We just need to act in faith.
Funny how a sense of stability can result from acknowledging uncertainty and our need for faith.

Stupid Feelings

2010-03-24T04:33:00.003-07:00

I've been really confused the last few days. I HATE dealing with my emotions; I may take pride - too much pride - in my intellect, but I think I am very much emotionally retarded. I've been trying to pull up and decipher my feelings, but I'm finding them to be extremely flaky or flat out incomprehensible or just... nonexistent. And I don't even know what to do with these feelings, anyway -- I don't know how to reconcile my emotions with my reasons. There's this weird tension going on inside, as if my brain is struggling to withhold itself from punching my heart in the gut. Wait, that makes no sense.
The point is, I guess I am not very human.

Something My Professor Said

2010-03-22T22:24:00.003-07:00

"Maybe you've been eliminating your 'humanness' to the point where you now struggle with bringing forth the fullness of who you really are... Not ever confronting emotions is a lie."

Dang.

Like a Child

2010-03-16T19:19:00.005-07:00

Spring Break this year was spent in the ghettos of Philly. I brought back with me plenty of funny stories and learned lessons and introspective ideas, but that's for another time, and probably for another place besides my little corner of the Internet.

One thing, though, that really struck me this past week involved a simple observation of children.
It was Monday, the first day I got the opportunity to play with the kids at Nelson's Playground. I will be the first to admit that I'm fairly awkward around people who are about a third of my height and my age. How do you befriend little kids? Hi, what's your name? What grade are you in? What's your favorite animal? What other questions can I ask to strike up age-appropriate conversation?
Now I know how dumb that was. I mean, kids don't really care about that nonsense. It just interferes with what they want -- to play. I soon realized how good kids are at cutting the crap as they ran up to - nearly crashed into - me and asked with huge smiles, "Wanna play tag?" No introductions, no chit chat, no need to build up some flimsy sense of trust. It doesn't matter that they don't even know where I'm from or even what my name is. Just jump in and play.
I saw how, even as they crossed their fingers and screamed "I'm gonna die!", they still hurled themselves from the swings for the fun of it. Again and again. No hesitations.

Here's my Decision Science explanation!
A rational being, supposedly, makes a certain decision when it is determined that the benefits outweigh the costs. However, it is often the case that we are hesitant - scared, even - in making or committing to a decision. We don't like playing tag with people we don't know; we don't like jumping off of swings. "We", as in adults. Kids, though, don't have such a problem. Why is that?
I don't think it's always a matter of disproportionate intelligence or information between kids and adults, but rather disproportionate perception. Adults, typically, are highly risk averse. Kids... I guess you could say they're risk seeking. But I think that their behavior is an indication not so much of seeking risk, but rather of seeking the benefits of their decisions above all else. They have a sharp desire for what is good for them. Risks just seem trivial in comparison to the potential good, which, in accordance with Prospect Theory, looks really really good to children who have nothing to lose.

Okay, that was a little weird / random.

But anyway, what I mean to say is that I want to be benefit-seeking to the extreme. I want faith like a child.

SIN

2010-03-15T05:34:00.002-07:00

Satisfying
Illusionary
Needs

(Mnemonic learned from a homeless guy)

I CAN'T STAND MY CLASSES!!!

2010-03-02T14:26:00.005-08:00

They make me feel miserable.
I'm not talking about the grades or the workload; I'm talking about the material itself - what I'm learning in class, what I'm learning about myself. For the past week or so, I've been crying nearly every day while doing the reading assignments. They cause me to analyze the parts of my past, the parts of my conscience, the parts of my self that I've repressed, that I've swept under the rug, that I hate.
What the EFF? WHY THE HECK DID I SIGN UP FOR THESE CLASSES?
I can't wait for spring break.

This is just a stupid, reckless post that I'm spitting out without much thought, so don't mind me.